Saturday, April 16, 2011

No More Monkeys

In the middle of a dead sleep last night, I was abruptly awoken by a clunk immediately followed by hysterical crying. I didn't even have to look over my shoulder to know that one of my worst fears had been realized; Tallulah had fallen off the bed. I ran around the bed to where she had fallen, and saw her laying on her back and screaming on a pile of clothes. I picked her up to rock her, tears welling in my eyes and contemplated the miracle in the fact that I decided to leave that mound of clothes beside her, something I NEVER do. After she calmed down and I combed her head and body for abnormalities, I took her to Mom's room for a more thorough inspection, all the while thinking that this was a wake up call. Not only did it direct my attention to the need for a guard rail, but for an adjustment in my priorities as well.

Lately I have been dabbling in social settings I have been far removed from for 2 years, placing importance on appearance and impressions more than I have been listening to my inner voice. My daydreams of sustainable housing in an organic haven have been temporarily replaced with thoughts of social interactions and others' perceptions of me, not an arena I am happy playing in. I have felt a dichotomy between my timeless soul desire and my day to day manifestations. Overanalyzing and trying to avoid past pitfalls have all but consumed my minds landscape, my eventual off the grid home pushing back at the frivolous thoughts, creating an uncomfortable dissonance with in me.

I am grateful that I was trying on clothes last night in anticipation for a social gathering, as I don't know what would have happened had they not broken Tally's fall. And in a strange way I am even appreciative of her fall, as terrifying as it was, because it made me see that my time is better spent improving my self in ways that matter, living in grace and being with my daughter, than pushing outward concerned with superficialities.