Sunday, December 26, 2010

Doubt And Other Bad Feelings

Since before I left for Minnesota I have been feeling far away from my self. At my best I feel productive and creative, but for the last couple of months I have not had my usual sense of self assurance and I have been engaging in a lot of questioning of the purpose of my very existence. A few specific things are spurring this uneasy feeling forward:

1) I am 22 and living with my family, I contribute by helping and baking, but there are times when I feel completely useless, like I should be forging my way through the world at a much greater speed than I currently am.

2) Davis is back, and though I wake up and set an intention of peace and understanding, there is residual feelings of anger lurking ready to strike me whenever my eyes fall upon his face. This not helped by the family scuffle (that was Mom's word, mine would have been earth shattering blow out brawl) that ensued on Monday in which he called me a parasite, an unpleasant nickname inspired by my lack of my own residence, this coming from a man who lived with his mother until he was 35, but like I said, I'm working through it.

3) I want to write everyday and I haven't been. Aside from the times I sit down to write and am interrupted by Tallulah or a menial tasks, I just haven't maintained the motivation that originally prompted me to sit down and get it done. 

4) Until today, Tallulah has had a relentless diaper rash that has prohibited her from sleeping longer than 2 hours at any time of day or night, and has caused her to be fussy and squirmy. My sleeplessness has made it difficult to focus and has clouded my enthusiasm as I am chronically exhausted.

5) Davis got unjustly arrested on Thursday and was in jail for 24 hours. This turned Mom into an unrelenting cynic who is untrusting of everyone and wants to move out of Mexico as soon as possible. As someone who's significant other has been wrongfully locked up, I can sympathize with her present state of mind, but her extreme mental state has the entire family on edge and hasn't made for a very jolly holiday.

6) I don't know what to do about Keikai. I want very badly for him to be a part of Tallulah's life, but I'm not going to sacrifice mine to make that happen. Similar to the Davis situation, there is still a hint of resentment that I am having a hard time shaking. It makes me feel awful and dirty and I want to let it go, but again, it's going to take some time.

7) Chloe is going to Greece and although I am incredibly happy for her, I am also sad at the uncertainty of when I will see my baby sister again.

Those are the big things. I know everyone experiences these patches of self doubt at some stage in their life, and so I am prepared to obey my new tattoo and allow for the feelings this period of time is providing, one of those feelings being guilt for the 4 cookies I just devoured and one being immeasurable pride for as I sit here and write this, Tallulah is starting to crawl. She constantly reminds me of how adaptable humans were meant to be. Whenever the shit hits the fan, as it so often does around here, she is always seen smiling and giggling as all the other members of the family engage in screaming or fits of hysterics. Even through the discomfort her rash has caused her, she has mostly maintained her sweet, calm demeanor which is refreshing in a family that more often than not veers toward the dramatic rather than the rational side of things. In the end, I guess we are all doing our best, and that's all that matters. If we can wake up and be kind and helpful to the people we love, these phases of unsatisfactory auras will eventually be lifted and reveal what was there all along; wonderful people, and at the end of the day, the people are all that matter.

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