Everything in and about our lives runs off the fuel of our hearts. We will all have experiences meant to "break our hearts"-not in half but wide open. Regardless of how your heart is broken, your choice is always the same: What will you do with your pain?
Caroline Myss PH.D. Anatomy of the Spirit
I feel sad. It has been two weeks and one day since Keikai left and though I make efforts to occupy myself with various activities, there are moments in each day when I am overcome with loneliness. These waves of emotion have no regard for what I am trying to accomplish at that given time and as a result I find myself welling up at the grocery store, in the shower, or while eating dinner. When confronted with these random spurts of sorrow, I give myself a few minutes to wallow before I submit to objectivity.
As I have stated in previous blogs, I have been reading and self-examining a lot lately. In my exploration I have found that an aspect of my life that has been lacking for many years is gratitude. I have always been the first one to complain or argue rather than take time to see the lesson in a less than desirable situation. In realizing this fact I have started an internal project; Mission Gratitude. About a week ago, I started taking note of everything I found fault with and for every grimace I emitted I immediately thought of something I was thankful for. If the church bells shake me from my sleep I take note of how wonderfully comfortable my bed is and how lucky I am to be able to sleep in it. The progress I have made in bettering my attitude is astounding. It has become easier for me to ignore small annoyances and focus on things that matter to me. This exercise in appreciation has lent me much insight into the person I wish, and am striving, to be.
Recently, many friends and family members have commented on my strength in dealing with my circumstances. Though I find these remarks flattering, they often catch me off guard because at this stage in my life I feel more vulnerable then ever. When I take a step outside of myself and try to see me as they are, I observe that the reason they see strength is because I am allowing for and acknowledging my frailties rather than running from them or covering them up. I am using this insecure time in my life to alter my being, and for the first time I am feeling the value in vulnerability.
Though I am sad and confronted, I have found reason to be grateful for this experience as well. Had this conflict never come to the surface, I would have remained in an extremely uncomfortable situation out of convenience and avoidance. I actually feel blessed even in the face of the pain, because I am proud of the person I am becoming as a result. I find solace in knowing I am setting an example and paving a wonderful path for my daughter to follow.
I do not believe in miracles, I rely on them.