Apologies

Love means never to say that you're sorry.

-Beres Hammond

As I mentioned in my previous blog,  on a beautiful autumn evening a couple of weeks ago we had a family brawl. It was ugly and brutal and brought out colors in us that are reserved for the most unfortunate arguments. It took place at the end of the evening when were supposed to be settling into bed which made the situation much worse as we all woke the next morning tired and cranky with the hazy and unsettling memory of the harsh words exchanged the previous night. We regarded each other with tension as we waited for the storm to pass, but the incompletion was eating away at us all in our separate ways. Come mid afternoon, after we had all attempted to move through our daily tasks without mention of the fight, Nana, the instigator, pulled us all into the kitchen, and with humility and reserve, two qualities we rarely see in tenacious, the strong-willed matriarch, apologized for her behavior.

(The photo above is one mom spontaneously shot as a memento of nana's repentance)

The whole scenario, from the unspeakable quarrel to the heartfelt words of regret, have started me thinking on sorry. Part of my journey in Mexico has been learning to apologize when I am wrong, but also to be conscious in the moment so as to avoid the hurtful behavior altogether thus preventing the uttering of regrets. Since the scene that spurred my many thoughts on asking forgiveness, Davis has declared, with little warning, that he is to return in 3 weeks.  This has brought to the surface many feelings of anger and neglect from the past, and I have spent the last 24 hours ruminating on how exactly to deal with this sudden reshaping of my immediate plans. The children love and miss their father, and despite the many instances in which he used his animosity as a weapon against her, mom feels the same.

As far as Davis is concerned, the subject of apologies has come up more times than I care to recount. Sorry can only go so far when it comes to wounding someone time and time again. Though there are always times when genuine people use this word to resolve sporadic issues, there are also people who abuse it to the point that it becomes a nearly meaningless gesture. I feel that sorry should be used in moderation in instances where consideration has been left behind rather than a fall back plan for incessantly indecent conduct.

Though it will be difficult for me to come to terms with living with the man who abruptly left us months ago, it will just be another stepping stone toward learning to live with grace. While I can't control his choices, I can be the master of my own and allow for him as I am aspiring to do with my other loved ones. I write this as a reminder to myself of something that I read months ago, something to the effect of when given a choice to be right or be kind, always choose to be kind. While sometimes this may mean abandoning your pride and stepping forth with your tail between your legs, it most often means to act righteously, to admonish reasons to apologize by opting to goodness now, rather than expressing remorse later.